Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Learning to Walk Again
I know, I know, it's been a while. We just returned from a week at the beach with family. It was great to have the opportunity to go to the beach, and spend the time with the kids and extended family. We broke with our seven year streak of heading to Sunset Beach and headed a little north of Wilmington to Topsail Beach. The last time I was on Topsail was with some guys from college for spring break. Our motto then was "What happens on the island, stays on the island." Our motto this week could have been "Are you hungry again?" With kids, one is always feeding, cleaning, or making sure they aren't going to kill themselves. Our kids are 4 and 2 by the way.
I have found returning to NC to have it's pros and cons. I definitely miss the prayer room. I have yet had an opporuntity to check out ZHOP, the house of prayer just outside of Charlotte. I have been wearing out my worship CD's needless to say. Walking out this calling of worship prayer and fasting IS NOT easy, especially in such an affluent area as we are right now. Plus we lack the supportive community of the missions base, where at least we were pressing ahead in the same direction. Here, our family tries to be supportive, but in the end they really don't understand why we are choosing to go through this. I have had opporuntities to share our calling with several pastors. I never realized that offering to pray for someones church and staff could be seen as threatening, but it is. The ministry of intercession is seen at best as irrelevant, too outside the mainstream of the mainline, too para-church, or as simply unnecessary. Everbody says they believe in prayer, but not the need for someone to commit their life to it. Everybody welcomes prayer, but at a distance.
The one question that arises over and over as I share my calling is, "Yeah, but can you sustain your family doing it? Can you make a living and provide for your family by praying?" I tell them I haven't had a paycheck since Dec 25 2005. I tell them we have paid every bill, have not gone into debt, and have continued to pay down our student loans. God is faithful.
And yet I walk away with doubt in my heart. I hear the incredulity and the skepticism in their voice and I think to myself think, "I am a fool." I handed over my career for this? I see it in their eyes. It is a combination of pity, disbelief, and something else. I'm not sure what it is.
Even today in my time with God, I asked, "Is this where we are supposed to be?" And God's response in my heart was, "Yes. You are right where I want you for now." Where are we? We are living with Jennifer's mom and step-dad. We are barely getting by covering our bills. We have no idea where we want to live much less where God intends for us to go. We have no prospect in the near future to supplement our income. We have no real community to worship with, that understands us anyway. And yet God says to me "You are where I want you to be." I told this to Jennifer and she confirmed this is God's message to her as well. She feels the same way. I have said it before and will say it again, I am blessed to have such a wonderful wife. God's wisdom in putting us together is undeniable.
My fear is that I have spent too much energy shepherding [worrying really] about our finances, or lack thereof. Instead, I need to be shepherding our vision of ministry. This notion struck me earlier today. When I focus on what God is calling me to do, to be an intercessor, to pray for the church, to pray for pastors, to energize the church in prayer, I get excited. Something in my heart tells me this is where my focus needs to be. And yet like Martha, I am worried and distracted by many other things.
So, we continue to put one foot in front of the other. We are learning to walk out this calling in these familiar yet new surroundings. We continue to take our place on the wall of intercession. And we wait. With Holy Boldness, we wait.
I have found returning to NC to have it's pros and cons. I definitely miss the prayer room. I have yet had an opporuntity to check out ZHOP, the house of prayer just outside of Charlotte. I have been wearing out my worship CD's needless to say. Walking out this calling of worship prayer and fasting IS NOT easy, especially in such an affluent area as we are right now. Plus we lack the supportive community of the missions base, where at least we were pressing ahead in the same direction. Here, our family tries to be supportive, but in the end they really don't understand why we are choosing to go through this. I have had opporuntities to share our calling with several pastors. I never realized that offering to pray for someones church and staff could be seen as threatening, but it is. The ministry of intercession is seen at best as irrelevant, too outside the mainstream of the mainline, too para-church, or as simply unnecessary. Everbody says they believe in prayer, but not the need for someone to commit their life to it. Everybody welcomes prayer, but at a distance.
The one question that arises over and over as I share my calling is, "Yeah, but can you sustain your family doing it? Can you make a living and provide for your family by praying?" I tell them I haven't had a paycheck since Dec 25 2005. I tell them we have paid every bill, have not gone into debt, and have continued to pay down our student loans. God is faithful.
And yet I walk away with doubt in my heart. I hear the incredulity and the skepticism in their voice and I think to myself think, "I am a fool." I handed over my career for this? I see it in their eyes. It is a combination of pity, disbelief, and something else. I'm not sure what it is.
Even today in my time with God, I asked, "Is this where we are supposed to be?" And God's response in my heart was, "Yes. You are right where I want you for now." Where are we? We are living with Jennifer's mom and step-dad. We are barely getting by covering our bills. We have no idea where we want to live much less where God intends for us to go. We have no prospect in the near future to supplement our income. We have no real community to worship with, that understands us anyway. And yet God says to me "You are where I want you to be." I told this to Jennifer and she confirmed this is God's message to her as well. She feels the same way. I have said it before and will say it again, I am blessed to have such a wonderful wife. God's wisdom in putting us together is undeniable.
My fear is that I have spent too much energy shepherding [worrying really] about our finances, or lack thereof. Instead, I need to be shepherding our vision of ministry. This notion struck me earlier today. When I focus on what God is calling me to do, to be an intercessor, to pray for the church, to pray for pastors, to energize the church in prayer, I get excited. Something in my heart tells me this is where my focus needs to be. And yet like Martha, I am worried and distracted by many other things.
So, we continue to put one foot in front of the other. We are learning to walk out this calling in these familiar yet new surroundings. We continue to take our place on the wall of intercession. And we wait. With Holy Boldness, we wait.
